The Art of Discernment

I'm back! Back from my course, and back from immersing myself in all things essay-related. I've spent all of the past two weeks doing my college essay, and that is no exaggeration. Thankfully it was raining the whole time, so you know that makes it so much easier to focus. But I'm telling you, I worked solid on that thing, which is why I couldn't face blogging. My brain had run out of juice, my eyes were spinning like the jungle book snake. And do you wanna know why I worked so hard, to the cost of all other things in my life? No, not just because I'm a perfectionistic virgo! Because. I. actually. loved. doing. it. I did! I felt utterly devoted to it ...I was kind of in love with it.


I've always loved learning to some extent. I'm always studying one thing or another ...some arty thing ...or soul-related thing ...or academic thing. And this love has been a great blessing in my life, but it's also proved to be a curse. See, my interest can be piqued in a heartbeat, I can get motivated and fascinated and curious about things quite easily. The problem in the past was that I didn't know how to manage this.  


When I was a teenager, art college seemed a poor option so I fell into occupational therapy instead, with no real desire to actually be a therapist. I managed to spend three long years studying the subject because I'd find some lessons and placements quite interesting. I then spent sixteen loooong years (I can't quite believe it) in the profession, working in hospitals, the community, a hospice, and University, getting teaching qualifications and a Masters degree, partly because it was, at times, quite interesting. I could somehow get myself curious or excited or motivated. I could coach and discipline myself into action. I could carry on. And strangely enough I could do the work, and do it well.


But it never felt genuine, not really, not deep down. Somewhere deep inside me I lived with this nagging doubt, this constant sense that my life force was being sucked right out of me. But it was so vague, and I was so disconnected from it, and then my head would come in and bulldoze the doubts away with rational, objective arguments. Until the next time. 


I remember being truly amazed when friends in the profession told me that they loved their work. I genuinely thought we were all just tolerating it together. But now, things are different. I have left that world behind, and at last I feel like I can breathe again. I'm happier now than I've been for twenty years ...sad, but true.


Looking back, this all seems to have been a long and painful lesson in the art of discernment. I now know I'm gifted with an enthusiastic and creative spirit. I now know that this needs attentive channeling in all areas of my life, not just with regards to work. If not, I get easily attracted and distracted ... I'll naively fall in love with situations, people and events, I'll freely splatter my gifts here, there and everywhere, which only serves to fragment and waste my energy, and leaves me all too easily influenced by the outside world. 


Now, I try to be more discerning about how and when I use my energies. This is no longer just a process of logic, for no longer am I just living as a head on legs. I'm more connected to my feelings, heart and intuition as well. Contrary to what we're led to believe within this rational, empirical world of ours, good judgement and insight are not just the preserve of  the mind. In fact, many an oversight and terrible thing happens when people just think their way through life. Good judgment and insight comes from a combination of the head and heart, mind and spirit, body and soul. All of these are tools to live by. All. of. them. 


Now, I try to notice my feelings and intuitions. If I feel a pull, a lift, a swell, if I keep spontaneously smiling, if I feel a desire, or childlike excitement, then I know this might be my spirit calling. If I feel uneasy, if I feel anxious, if I get a 'vibe' then I 'listen' to what that might have to say. In both scenarios, I'll use my mind to clarify my motives and responses, and to help me decide on a course of action.  


Sometimes it works the other way around. Sometimes my mind will say 'yes' or 'no' and I might commit to this or that, but then I'll listen to my feelings and intuition, and if there's an uneasiness then I'll stop and reassess. It's like we've got a back-up system either way: use both.


That's how I came to study Psychosynthesis. I felt the pull, the excitement, the desire ...even though I didn't want to do the whole course and become a Psychotherapist. It felt a bit illogical, my mind questioned it, but the pull was strong and affirming, and I have come to love every part of it ...even the challenging bits ...even the essay!!! 


It's taken me years to begin discerning my truth. I had so much to step away from and heal before I could remotely feel, hear or trust what was 'best' or 'right' for me. But, like all things it gets easier with practice and time, and no doubt it continues to evolve throughout life. That is good, because the art of discernment is fundamental to living a soul-filled life. 


We need to be able to discern what is true for us. 


We need to be able to discern what and who to trust. 


We need to be able to discern what really matters.


We need to be able to discern the real from the illusionary. 


In doing this we can avoid the pain and futility of investing our love, energy, talents, and time in the wrong Shepard, the wrong herd, and the wrong pasture. 

“ ...we become what we surround ourselves with. And so it

stands to reason that we have to be discerning about what we

surround ourselves with." Steve Cope

When Doves Die

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Dig if you will the picture, of me and my husband engaged in a (brief) kiss. I'm leaving in my car to visit a friend. As I pull off the drive I see him shout ...something's just happened, but I can't work out what. He runs out the door, I wind the window down ...a car's just hit a dove. Oh. I drive off and he goes to the rescue. Seconds later I suddenly feel guilty. A life is dying, and I just drove off.

When I get to my friend's, I sit at her table and the first thing I see outside is two doves, side-by-side on her garden fence, necking each other and touching beaks. I text Paul to see what happened to 'our' dove. It's died. I feel genuine sadness. I wonder if it's mate sits alone waiting for its return, waiting to neck and touch beaks.

When I was in my early twenties I never really 'got' nature, never really understood my husband's fascination and love for it. It was just 'there'. Just a tree, a bird, a flower. As I aged and matured I got a bit more interested, but now, well I've just got this deeper appreciation and respect for it all - flora, fauna, vista, elements. 


I think it's an inevitable part of the healing and spiritual journey. The more you connect with and appreciate your Self, your hurts, your gifts, the more space and empathy you have for the same in all living things. 


That's what I've found anyway. I'm more awed and inspired by nature, but also more aware of its destruction, suffering and pain. I'm not an activist. I'm not a vegan. I'm just more aware, more mindful, more touched by it all.


Take zoos. I know zoos do some important conservation work, but I still have an aversion to visiting them. They just remind me of the self-service, neglect, greed and cruelty that's led to their existence. And I don't like the habitats they create ...you know, elephants and giraffes stood for hours on concrete, sea-lions and penguins in small pools, when in the wild they'd all roam for miles.   


My last zoo encounter was some years ago now. I ended-up crying and had to go home. I was watching this Silverback gorilla. He was a massive, majestic creature, thirty-something years old. I watched this hatch open, an arm poked through with a baby's bottle filled with juice, and he went over and started drinking from it. Watching him feed like that just broke my heart. It seemed somehow demeaning and humiliating.

Animals have an intelligence and emotional body too. 


That's why I'm reluctant to eat cheap meat or use cheap beauty products. Cheap products come largely via cheap means. I despair at super-sized, super-cheap packs of supermarket meat. How do people think that they can buy so much so cheaply? I guess they don't think, or I guess they don't care. They might say they don't have a choice but, of course, they do. 


I've been called a snob in the past because of my views, but it's not that. For me it's about having a respect for the earth's creatures. I sometimes struggle to eat an animal, knowing that I've contributed to its death. I certainly struggle if I think it's also led a crap life. For this same reason, I hate throwing meat away, I hate the fact an animal died partly for me, and the best I can do is chuck it in my bin. 

But, my morals are sometimes stronger than my will. I sometimes contradict my own values and eat a mass-produced burger, or forget to check if my beauty products have been tested on animals. I'm a work in progress here, like anywhere else.

But this stuff is important to me. See, my spirituality is not so much a westernised, linear and hierarchical one, with God at the top, then man, then animals and the earth. Mine is somewhat more aligned with Eastern traditions: I trust the Divine is both transcendent and immanent in all creation, within all life. Animal welfare and suffering matters as much to me as that of humans, for we are all, ultimately one.


It wasn't 'just' a dove that died, it was a living, breathing creature. As humans we're inclined to see our life as superior, but all life is sacred, all life is worthy. 

en France

Been back a couple of days now from a long weekend in France, celebrating my friend Jayne's 40th birthday (who was actually unable to make it ...avez manque Jayne!).  It still made for a really lovely break, however, with great food, plenty of wine, idle shopping, and relaxation. Our mate Max has his own adorable little house there (which he rents out if you're interested ;-))...

Chez Max

It's only got one bedroom and a sofa bed though, so me and Kaz slept next door in what I called 'the Cub House' (think seventies youth hostel). Although it was a bit gammy jaded, it served it's purpose and it had a roof terrace, ideal for consuming things,  soaking up the rays and admiring the views... 

Poor Photo of the Vista

You could hardly hear a sound, day or night, which made us question the frenetic pace of much of English life. But then we all ended up concluding that we probably couldn't live with that much tranquility and simplicity all of the time (Huh?). We visited towns, and church interiors, and shops, and a flea market, and coffee shops...

Saturday evening we dined at Fleur Bleu, a small, simply decorated restaurant with fabulous food (pour moi ...glass of fizz; scallops; white asparagus velouté; red wine; saddle of lamb; cheese board; crème brûlée; herb tea. YUM!)...

Inside Fleur Bleu

Max and cousin Sarah

This place was so simple and yet so beautiful, with an atmosphere just brimming with soul. It confirmed to me all I'd been thinking about recently in terms of the prospective 'real' life Soul Studio. It's not about how big, or well equipped, or 'clever' I make it, it's about how people feel in the space I create. It's about the resultant being, doing and becoming. What I really want to create is something that money can't buy, a place imbued with spirit and soul, mine and that of others'.  

Perspective

Since my last post, I've been trying to get some perspective on my comparisonitus (psychic inflammation caused by frequently comparing oneself). I didn't do any research, I didn't end up journalling about it, I just let it stew. I just contemplated stuff that'd been happening to me.


I left my career two years ago. Around the same time, my mum and dad moved half way down the country (to Devon), a close friend more than half way up the country (to the Scottish Highlands) and another half way around the world (to Los Angeles). In a short space of time, I lost my main outlets and avenues for doing and being in the world.


For the last two years then, I've spent most of my weekdays alone. That's a lot of time, and I've largely been really grateful for the solitude. It's supported my process of healing, Self-discovery and creative development, it's been a safe and vital cocoon for my transformation. But I'm ready to break free now, I'm ready for my decade of colourful flight.


I realised this is where my comparisonitus comes in, with its roots firmly embedded in envy. I envy those who seem to be flying successfully, those whose wings are coloured with opportunity, those who are living vibrantly and free, those who are sharing their gifts, those surrounded by family and friends. I want to live like that. 


I've been working really hard to find my path and purpose in life, so I envy those who (seemingly) don't have to struggle to find their way anymore. I envy those who seem to be living their dream. Why can't I live my dream? Why am I not flying? What's wrong with me?


That's when I realised something else. I'd lost my dream, my way. In witnessing all these other folk, I (unknowingly and unwittingly) absorbed their life as my ideal. I wanted to help millions of people, I wanted to have a best-selling book, I wanted to be asked to speak and teach at different venues, I wanted to run successful online courses, I wanted to be a self-help guru (so much for no longer feasting on external fodder).


I wanted all these huge things, each a lifetime's work in it's own right, but I couldn't see a way to get there. It was out of reach, and the path too vague, and I didn't know where to start. This is why I felt frustrated and inert. This prompted my envy and anxiety. 


And this is where soul-full living can get tricky. It can be really hard to sift out what's desired by ego, and what's the call of spirit and soul. Those things may come to me, or they may not, and they may be great, or they may not. But when I get back to myself, I realise they're not what I really want. 


The past few days, I've got re-aquainted with stuff about who I am. I need freedom to express my creative and emotional self. I need autonomy and ownership of what I do. I have to work with integrity. I need variety and choice in my week. I need a positive environment (aesthetic and psychic). I prefer teaching in small groups than large lectures. I prefer talking to writing. I prefer being with people in reality, rather than virtually. I don't want too much stress. I want peace and relative simplicity. I need my art.


When I first left work, I had an achievable dream (albeit part of me resisted it, and still does). I wanted to open The Soul Studio in 'real' life ...somewhere peaceful, near the sea. I had visions of a relatively small building, maybe on my own property, that I'd decorate from my heart and soul. It'd be surrounded by nature ...really peaceful, with lots of light. I'd have fresh flowers, and floor cushions, and art materials, and aromatherapy. A healing environment. A sanctuary for the creative spirit. A safe place where the spirit, heart, mind and soul could express itself freely. A place of Self-discovery and Self-realisation. A place for people to understand and explore spirit in the material world.  


Then my book came to me in the middle of the night. Then I worked for a year to bring it into being. Then I felt prompted to study Psychosynthesis. Then I felt I should try and get my book printed with a publishers. Then I kept looking at blogs to get inspired, but in the process I became side-tracked.


All that inspiration led my achievable dream to morph into something large and unwieldily. I wanted my book to sell hundreds and thousands. I wanted to successfully license my artwork. I wanted to run my sell-out online courses. Why? Part of me wanted a successful path on which to serve. Part of me the affirmation, sense of being needed, belonging, and love. Part of me the funds.


Why? Because then I could open The Soul Studio ...a large retreat space, with different rooms, in its own grounds. There'd be a wood with a stream and swing in it, and access to different therapies, and I'd have people to help me manage it all. I'd get known, and then I'd be asked to teach and consult, perhaps even helping to change the face of healthcare and education.


My ego didn't want some run down shack, in the backwater of England. It didn't want odd classes here and there, to just three or four people. It didn't want my self-published book to be just another unread self-published book (see what it does?). It wanted achievement, success, something to be proud of.


There's nothing necessarily 'wrong' with big dreams and huge achievement, but for me it made everything too complex and too vast. In coming home to my original dream I feel a sense of possibility, excitement, and hope. I feel more at ease, less pressured, and less fearful. I'm hoping there's less need for me to compare myself now, for 'their' huge dreams are not a fundamental part of mine. 


It's all too easy to veer from our own path, distracted by shiny things. That's ok, but then something will call us back, something will irritate, or pester, or frustrate, or sadden us, and this we must explore, not ignore, for inside it will be wrapped a gift of truth. 


I'm off now to France for a long weekend with friends (told you, like Beyonce). A time for perspective and friendship and simple dreams.

The Comparison Game

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I've been getting on my own nerves lately. I have. I've been feeling in a place of inertia (again), feeling like I'm the only one who's not getting anywhere, feeling pressured to know how to move forward, and quickly. Feeling inadequate, and frustrated, and irritated, and at a bit of a loss. 


I now realise where these feelings are originating from ...the cruel stick of comparison. I've never really been one to overly compare myself to others, but in trying to carve a path for myself in this virtual world, well it just does something to me that 'real' life doesn't. I keep getting caught (largely unconsciously) in the comparison game. 


At any second, with the mere click of a button, I can see into the world of thousands and thousands of people. I can see their creative output, their exciting opportunities, their never-ending successes, their deep and meaningful relationships, and highly-evolved selves attracting hundreds and thousands of people. My eyes absorb the possibility, and my mind starts to wander and wonder where I'm going 'wrong'. I feel like the tortoise in a race full of hares, like the only one with uneventful days, like the only one who's working with no (external) reward.


I hesitated to share this with you because it makes me feel, well, kind of silly, and un-evolved, and needy, and grasping. I hesitated to share it with you because it's showing my tarnish, rather than veneer (in a world full of veneer), and part of me thinks 'who's gonna want to read or buy into this?'. 


But, I started this blog to share my quest for soul-full living, in the hope it'd inspire, encourage and empower both me and others on the journey. And, for me, a fundamental part of soul-full living is showing-up authentically ...sharing the truth of where I'm at, not just where I think I should or would want to be. It's not glamorous, or glossy, or inspirational, or aspirational, or desirable, but it is real.  


That's why I'm telling you this. I've been comparing myself, my work, and my worth against the online life and stats of others (feels like a confessional). I've been feeling somewhat inferior, and part of me just doesn't want to 'play' in this virtual world anymore. I've been thinking my finite energy might be best channelled elsewhere, that I should 'hang up my hat' as an online contributor, that it's just not healthy for me. 


In saying that, it feels I've got the following options then... 


① Ignore the feelings (as silly, immature, unenlightened etc), and carry 
     on in the jaded hope that it'll soon magnificently change 
       (until next time). ✘

② React to the feelings and quit (confirming to myself that life is indeed 
        unfair and I'm destined to go nowhere) ✘ 


③ React to the feelings and get determined ( I too can and will 
        succeed) ✘ 


Nope, all tried and tested. 


④ Use it as an opportunity ...to learn  ✔ (I know, radical!!)


I keep on doing this online comparison stuff, which can only mean one thing ...there's something here for me to learn, something that needs to be healed. If I deny it, I am just denying myself. If I fight it, I am just fighting myself. So, I'm going to face it. I'm gonna do some exploratory research ...on the 'net, in books, in my journal... to get to the bottom of this psychic-comparison game. 


How about you, what keeps cropping up in your life? How are you dealing with it? How might you use it as a source of learning and healing? I'd love to know...

You Are Worthy

 You are worthy, even in your pain.     

Remember, you are more than your pain.

You are worthy, even in your humiliation and shame.

        Remember, you are not those things.

You are worthy, even in your dark mood.

 Remember, you are light. 

You are worthy, even when you feel unseen. 

Remember, you are known.

You are worthy, even when you do not achieve. 

Remember, you are already enough.

You are worthy, even when rejected.

Remember, you are loved.

You are worthy, even when you feel ugly. 

Remember, you are beautiful.

You are worthy, even when you feel worthless. 

Remember, you are sacred life. 

You are light.

You are known.

You are enough.

You are loved.

You are beautiful.

You are sacred life.

You are worthy, as you are.

Three Steps to Your Top Ten Values

One of the simplest, most clarifying things I've done as part of my process of self-discovery was getting clear on my values. I emphasise the word my, because all too easily we unconsciously absorb the values of those around us, values which may differ from our own. 


This is problematic because it can lead to an (often unconscious) internal value conflict, whereby we tend to experience life as somehow incongruent or dissatisfying, without really understanding why. No matter what we do or what we have, it's difficult to find real peace and contentment if our deepest values aren't somehow being met. 


Your values are those things that are most important to you, your highest priorities, your driving forces. Once you know what your key values are, you're better placed to make meaningful and satisfying choices in life. So, if you're not sure what yours are I have three simple steps that will help illuminate thine mind.  


1) Research Your Options
First, find a list of values from which to make a selection. There's a pretty exhaustive list here to get you started. From this, select your top 3o. Here's mine...


authenticity            possibility            privacy            harmony
discovery                hope                      autonomy        reliability
meaning                 variety                  service              health
competence            achievement       wisdom           choice
security                   peace                     trust                  creativity
humour                  connection           growth             loyalty
quietude                 recognition          vitality              fairness
freedom                 expression


2) Clarify Meanings
To make sure you're clear on what each value means for you, formulate a brief definition of each (try using  here as a guide), like...
       growth:progressive development; evolution; expansion

       security:free from danger; free from fear and anxiety

From this, you might find you need to select another word that more accurately reflects your truest value. 

3) Prioritise Your Top 10
Select your 10 most important values from your list (those you feel you'd suffocate without), then use this tool to establish an order of priority (you can also use it to get your top 10 if it isn't obvious). Mine are...

autonomy  

authenticity

meaning

growth

vitality

possibility

expression

peace

competence 

fairness

Knowing your key values will help you to create a life that feels congruent and fulfilling to you. It can help guide your decision-making and, if you're feeling off kilter, it can help you to identify what's unmet or in conflict.


It's simples but empowering (great for journalling about) and I really recommend doing it. I had so many 'aha' moments, you know, where I could see why certain things had never felt right in my life. If you do do it, I'd love to know your top 1o, if you're happy to share.